Project: Comfortable in my own skin

So, having been ill and stressed for the past two and a half months, including all of the Christmas break thus far (self-pity may creep in here, but I'll allow it for this particular post), I find myself now staring down the barrel of a double whammy, not having done or being yet equal to starting any work to prepare for school, and anticipating the coming two months of breathtaking befrazzlement as I return to school very possibly non-destressed and still viral to welcome new students into my class and telescope 3 science and 6 math and 2 social studies units into 3 weeks and prepare and report cards.

In short, I am feeling inadequate for the challenge that I know lies ahead, and incompetent at life because of it. I am panicking which, of course, is not helping me in my efforts to return to good physical and mental health before the resumption of our regularly scheduled program.

The thing of it is, this isn't new. Feeling inadequate to future challenges and fearing that somebody will finally out me as an incompetent at, actually, ev-ry-thiiiiing, is my way of life. It's been a problem for the longest time...

Anyhow, in the past, nonsense and big d and therapists and self-help writers and the interweb have all in their ways tried to help, steering me in the direction of just being okay with who I am, just being myself. But the problem has been that I have never, since I can remember, felt comfortable in my skin; I have never been sure that I am being me properly. And really, who would I ask for directions? Oh and believe me -- I've asked anyway. But when people say just be yourself, or just relax, or don't think, etc., I really actually don't know how to do those things.

But I do want to be comfortable with myself. I want to be able to take time to nurse an illness and really feel relaxed while I relax. I want, even more, to be able to relax when I know there is stuff to do, in order to keep my self hale and whole and minimize such prolonged periods of poor health to begin with.

I've decided to make me my project and passion for the moment. I actually had something underway, involving learning to use GIMP (a freeware graphics editing program) to make digital collage -- but that will be put on hold for a time, as my panic and pain had shunted it aside either way, and as I think being comfortable with myself is a more urgent undertaking.

I want to start this now while I'm still on break, and create a structure for it that won't cause me undue grief when I do go back to work. As such, the plan is to journal about it briefly every day (and try to post the journals at least weekly). The first step will be cultivating non-judgmental thought.