I've seen a lot of posts and responses this past few months about people panic-blaming and defending their usage of things like personal pronouns and pronoun-verb agreement, and person- versus identity-first language, and individual vs group identifier preferences, etc.
I can't help but feel that a lot of us are trying really hard to understand how to do it all right, and in so doing are completely missing the point.
In trying to understand how to navigate these cultural spaces as an ally, your only job inside that space is this:
Stop.
Yes, stop. Relax for a second. Now walk it back a couple dozen steps, 'til you take yourself all the way out of the equation, because it's not about you, and in most cases your reply actually isn't necessary.
Okay but, what about when your classmate was offended when you referred to them as "an autistic person" instead of "a person with autism"? Your proudly neurodivergent professor who's studied the intersections of neurotype, ability and politics for decades assured your class that identifier-first language was preferred! Is it or isn't it?
Yup! It sounds like you've wandered into a grey area -- congratulations. 😃 It's complex, and valid, and uncomfortable. And you don't need to tell either of your neuro-atypical acquaintances you discovered it, because they already live there. It's okay, you can sit down. Have a look around, and explore the squishy unease for a while, and then go share what you've learned with your neurotypical friends on the outside, who may not have been where you landed.
I may sound flippant, but I'm serious when I say the idea that your reply isn't needed can come as a big surprise. It did to me. But consider your purpose in listening to these particular voices. And more importantly, consider their purpose in communicating the way they do.
The point of these spaces is to amplify voices that otherwise often go unheard. Sure, all we social justice warriors want to act -- to right all the wrongs, and do it properly. But if the problem is that voices have been silenced and people aren't being served, then the solution isn't to figure out how to properly speak for them. The solution is to listen when they speak.
If your favourite genderqueer blogger posts a rant about how they don't like being called "they", just when you spent weeks practising to correctly use your coworkers pronouns, you might feel defensive, irritated, and turned around. It's okay to feel that way, you're safe, and your feelings are valid. But they aren't the point.
lt isn't about whether you're right to remember X and wrong to use Y and damned if you do or don't say Z. None of those things are the issue, because all of those things are about you, and this is about someone else.
That's the point. You have your space, your turn. The entire conversation so far has been predicated upon it. But this, at last, is their turn, and they are telling you what you need to hear. Just... stop. And listen. And... that's it.
