What it feels like inside my brain right now:
 |
| Nails on a chalkboard |
It doesn't feel this way all the time, but it feels like it feels this way all the time. No wonder there seems to be just the one alternative:
 |
| Vacancy |
I can't figure out how to reconnect.
Update (after a short stint of mindful bodily sensation while finally forcing myself to get ready for bed):
I'm feeling lonely and trapped in my head. I miss myself, my fun, my joy, my looking forward to things. It keeps being taken away when I can't be with the people I want to connect with, or I don't feel connected with them. What I need to do to get out of the short circuit in here is to be who I need in my life.
I was looking forward to a date with dessert and games for my birthday. My date can't join me now, but I don't have to abandon myself because someone else won't be there. I love puzzle games, I love dessert. This is something I can do.
I was frustrated about feeling like I couldn't unburden with my therapist, and not all of my FB crowd would understand, and I didn't want all this stuff coming between me and my loved ones. But nobody understands me like me. I can tell myself by writing it out. It's why I have this blog and my journal.
I was annoyed at the thought of knowing mindfulness was probably one of the other best ways for me to rewire, because I loathed the idea of doing meditations and exercises that didn't feel real. But 10 seconds of feeling my feet while I stood in the bathroom, and another 10 of intentionally paying attention while running a warm washcloth over my face certainly dimmed the dimmer-bulb sound in my brain to the point where I could think of other things than the pain of thinking again.
Being in my body, feeling heat and pressure and air movement on my feet and my face and my hands, getting my thoughts out of my head into some form of account, and being here for myself in the ways in want someone to be there for me. These are how I will try to rewire.
