More on passion: Why don't I?

There are things I often lament not doing more or making more time for, but rarely feel motivated to do when it seems I do have time:

Caribana week ahead: getting ready (to wuk)

This week will be an exciting one, with the Caribana parade this Saturday, partying the Sunday after, and all the preparation that's going into it all.

Today was the last class of Socasize Bootcamp, a dance aerobic class a couple of us took to get ready for the road, both by getting familiar with this year's music and moves, and also of course by upping our endurance to wine up for some 6 hours straight! I found that two hours of aerobics was really pushing it at first, but I got more used ot it, and the format of the class is perfect. It used the moves I grew up with as well as new ones to build tone and endurance, and the instructor really encourages you to throw it all out there and have fun with the dancing and the music. I totally would do it again, either during the year as a regular one-hour non-boot-camp class, or the bootcamp again if I play Mas in the future. Some of my favourite songs from the class:

• Come to Meh by Iwer George
• Hard Wuk by Machel Montano 
• Advantage by Machel Montano
• Illegal by Machel Montano
• Tornado by Otis 
• Wotless by Kes the Band 

Routine: My bastion of sanity in a sea of scary, salty freedom

So I've decided that this summer will be different.

Different how? Well the plan is, this summer I won't be wishing it was September by mid-July.

Counting down the days (or: Eleven)

Through sun-limned blinds, green leaves shimmer against the blue. The mass of bubbling childhood orbiting me seethes. Soon come, hometime.

The pool of Narcissus

Inspired by a tweet in the Twitter feed #50thingsihate, this one relates an experience I often have on the bus or the subway -- a sense of irritation when people display sour and disapproving reactions to another patron's awkwardness or oblviousness, followed by the guilty prickle of irony.

Self-righteousness

Fed up with these pious egotists – all disapproval whenever someone steps out of line. Who are you to judge? I shake my head. The temerity. 

A city in pictures

Nonsense and I went on a walk today along the Kay Gardiner Belt Line in Toronto with a group of friends new and newer. I love exploring havens of greenery in the city, and I also love taking pretty pictures of beautiful details. It was a long, full day, but here's just a fraction of what I saw and admired in it...

Buzzing with anticipation

As happens every year around this time, I feel like my body is buzzing with anticipation this week. Christmas is SO CLOSE, but somehow, impossibly, sooooooo far away. I want to get everything ready, but there are so many things that just have to wait until closer to the time, and other things that could be done right now only they just aren't mine to control. Waiting drives me crazy. I'm literally vibrating with the need to do something and cross it off my list. But I love being excited about Christmas. I feel good -- so far!


I'm starting to learn that there is more than one meaning behind the concept of patience. There's patience with people, which involves compassion and understanding, and then there's patience with waiting, which involves calmness and, well, waiting. The first kind of patience, where you allow people to work things out without undue interference, is pretty important in my profession. I'm passionate about working with children and about facilitating their steps toward independence, so I have to be willing to let them go slowly and do things their own way, but still be there to observe and help them along.

As for the waiting calmly part, I'll admit I'm not always the best at that. I like efficiency, and like many people, I tend to think that the way I've worked out oh-so-logically is the most efficient possible way, and so I can be quick to jump in and take over when I forget myself. Ask any seven-year-old -- when you think you know the answer, it's hard to refrain from blurting it out.

However, I think what do I have tons of is compassion and understanding. When I have the patience to listen, and to ask questions that aim to help me understand the other person's narrative instead of to satisfy my own (admittedly voracious) curiosity, I'm pretty good at understanding others' perspectives, and empathy is something I sometimes feel like I'm up to my eyeballs in. I love the kids I work with, and to be honest, working with them helps me rethink the way I interact with adults as well.

Lately, I've been working (with middling success, but that's not exactly failure, right?) on listening more and offering my unsolicited opinion less. It's a work in progress; acceptance of things the way they are instead of the way I think they should be is a huge stumbling block that I'm slowly chipping away at, but obviously, as demonstrated by my little Christmas mini-freak-out above, important to the peaceful living of everyday life. So... patience.

One thing I wish there were a magical formula for is the "right" amount of involvement in other people's issues. How do you know who, how, when? Is there an age, or a degree of social separation, at which it is appropriate to offer one's opinions and advice and concerns without solicitation? Is there a certain type of body language or a certain set of key phrases that are supposed to cue us to action? As a teacher, as a family member, as a friend, I find it hard to know when to step in and when to butt out of other people's problems -- and it seems as though every person and every situation has a different threshold.


To those of you who have seen the know-it-all side of me (maybe that's all of you... well, so be it then), I apologize for those times when it gets annoying or uncomfortable, and I hope it's balanced by at least a few helpful instances. I promise you, I mean well. And please, please, feel free to simply say, "I'm not really looking for advice right now. I just want you to listen." Or, even better, tell me how you think I could be most helpful to you. I promise, I will do my best to have patience.

Defining D (or: The Life of the Spirited Adult)

Today my therapist used the word "spirited" in reference to some of the personal traits I was describing to her.

We were talking about how I feel the impact of small events, particularly small disappointments, very strongly, and how I have a really tough time emotionally, when it comes to handling transitions smoothly and positively. I had said that, like any person who's done a few undergrad psych courses, I sometimes look at the characteristics they mention of certain disorders and see myself. A major recognizable trait that can help diagnose Asperger's Syndrome, for example, is difficulty handling transitions. I have difficulty handling transitions, so it makes me wonder...

But no, my therapist said. The difference is that for me, I have difficulty handling transitions, but, you know, I do handle them, if poorly. Whereas a person with autism or Asperger's, on encountering an unexpected transitional moment, might instead, to use the vulgar term, lose their shit.

So, "spirited".

Apparently it's a term mostly used to refer to children when they have one or more specific character traits, such as liveliness, sensitivity, persistence, in intensity higher than most children. These traits may tend to make their own childhoods and the task of parenting and teaching them more challenging than usual.

I thought it an interesting and highly specific use of a word that usually has a fairly obvious, everyday connotation. Previously, hearing somebody use the term "spirited child" I would have directly equated this to hyperactivity or defiance, and not thought any other interpretation possible. Since I'm by no means a hyper or defiant person, I decided to look up this particular usage in order to better understand its meaning. What I found was pretty interesting to me, both personally and as a teacher of young kids.

First of all, I get the sense that the term is not incredibly well-known. Although Yahoo.ca produced some 13 million results for "spirited children", Google.ca produced less than 60,000 (I suspect some of the difference may include results from the same website, which Google may have counted as the same and Yahoo as different results, but not sure). Furthermore, I've never heard the word used this way, and I work with children on a daily basis. Nonetheless, taken by itself, the term "spirited" to refer to people who tend to do things differently from the mainstream of society, and as a result may have trouble conforming, seems like a much nicer and more positive way of identifying those characteristics than "difficult" or even the more politically correct "high-needs". It may be less specific, but it's certainly more encouraging. 

My research wasn't exhaustive, but in the pages I did look at, the most helpful description I found of what a "spirited child" is was on the "canadianparents.com" forum, where they have a subforum specifically called "Spirited Children". One user posts both a description, and a list of character traits as follows (I've edited for ease of reading), though so far I have not figured out her source: 

Description

All children possess the characteristics of being intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change, but a spirited child experiences one or more of these characteristics more than another child. There is more depth, and range to a spirited child's characteristics and emotions.

Characteristics

Here is a quick rundown of the characteristics of a spirited child, and the bonus characteristics.
Remember that your spirited child may or may not possess all these characteristics, but they will experience one or more of them more than others.

Intensity:

• An intense child is loud, dramatic; they don't cry, they shriek. They are noisy at play, laughing, and love to sing at the top of their lungs.
• They can also be the quiet intent observant child. They assess the situation and size it up before entering a situation. Their intensity is focused inward.
• No matter where their intensity is focused their temper tantrums are raw and enduring.

Persistence:

• They lock into what is important to them -- ideas, activities or tasks. They are goal oriented and don't give up easily. They love to debate and getting them to change their minds is a great undertaking. They are not afraid to assert themselves.

Sensitivity:

• Quick to respond to noise smells lights, textures, or changes in mood. They are overwhelmed in crowds and are keenly aware. Every sensation and emotion is absorbed by them, including your feelings.
• This is the child who can't stand a tag in their shirt, or being in crowds, or tells you when you are in a bad mood before you realize you're in a bad mood.

Perceptiveness:

• They notice everything! They are often accused of not listening. They are distracted easily by the birds in the window, or a commercial on the television. You send them to put their shoes on, but they get distracted by the toy they found beside their shoe.

Adaptability:

• Uncomfortable with change. They don't like surprises and have a hard time shifting from one activity to another, or from one idea to another. This is the child who gets upset if they were expecting to go to the park but couldn't because it rained.

Here are some of the "bonus" characteristics. Bonus characteristics are not common with all spirited children.

Regularity:

• Impossible to to get them on any schedule. It's hard to figure out when they will sleep or be hungry.

Energy:

• Not all spirited children are energetic; those who are take things apart then put them back together again. They are jumping crawling and climbing. They are on the go until they fall asleep. They may seem wild, but their energy usually has a purpose.

First Reaction:

• Quick withdrawal from anything new. Unfamiliar ideas, places, people or situations may result in a vehement no. They need time to warm up before they are ready to participate or talk to someone new.

Mood:

• They are analytical, pick apart experiences, find flaws, and make suggestions for change. Smiles are rare, and their world is a serious place for spirited children.

I see myself in a lot of these characteristics, I'm not a high-energy person, but most of the other traits apply to me to a fairly high degree. I think if I had to be specific, my most notable charcteristics would be sensitivity, perceptiveness, low adaptability, and standoffish first reactions.

Interestingly, I found it tough to find information on how to deal with these traits of spiritedness positively as an adult, in circumstances where they become maladaptive. However, that's what therapy's for, I suppose. And just having a word for myself that encompasses both my normalness and my abnormalness, and doesn't make me feel crazy for feeling generally uneasy in the world though I constantly seek peace, and though everyone else seems to think I'm fiiiiiine, lets me breathe easier. Right now I'm working on being proactive and turning uncomfortable experiences into learning for the future (i.e. what would I do differently next time?), as well as acknowledging and accepting my difficulty with transitions and dealing with that in a way that will let me move on from the emotional upset more quickly (i.e. yep, it rained and we were stuck indoors, but I couldn't have prevented it, and hopefully getting some exercise now will make me feel better.).

Grow a spine! (or: How to decline with grace?)

I'm a pleaser.

I work hard -- too hard, usually -- to be liked and trusted, and when it works in my favour (when I'm getting the affection, the companionship, the career opportunities that I hope for), that can be rewarding, but overall, I think I hate it. I think it sucks being a yes-woman. I think I need to follow the advice I'm always giving others, and grow a spine.

I need to stop turning myself inside out, upside down and backwards to be able to say yes to every opportunity offered up to me by anybody at any time. Not every offer is given in order to do me a personal favour -- regardless of how guilty and ungrateful it makes me feel to even consider saying no. Not every possibility will take me in a way I actually want to go. Not every missed chance is a last chance. Not every opportunity needs to be seized regardless of what i'm working on at the moment or planning to do. Not every impression is a lasting impression. Not every disagreement will burn bridges.

I do not have to say yes, always, to everything put in my path by everyone.

Now I just have to figure out how to remember this, and act on it.

In search of extra-curricular activity. (no. not that kind.)

This week I've been pondering and prodding at the idea of how to expand and strengthen my social network so that I don't feel isolated or at a loss for people with whom to do the activities I love.

Since finishing school, there's been a decided lack of consistent creative production in my life, and one of my main complaints has been that, as an adult in the "real world", outside of the structured environment of school, it's a lot less simple to participate in the 'extra-curricular' activities that were commonplace, especially in grade school. In highschool, my job was to be a student, and as such, I spent my day taking drama, music, creative writing and the like, cost-free (what did I know of taxes!) -- and my friends were already there because they, surprise surprise, had the same job I did.

But once you leave that structure behind, it gets harder to work in creative social activity on a daily basis. Working a "freelance" job as I basically do right now, the hours are great, but it's hard to socialize when you're in a different school among a different set of co-workers every day.

If I do ever settle into a single school rather than supply-teaching, I'm hoping I'll be amongst a fun, caring, social, activity-loving school community. I may even try to fix that in mind as my primary goal for getting a contract (currently, foremost in my semi-conscious thoughts on contract work is the hope that I'll get the kind of class I'd love to have -- specifically at the moment, English-language full-day Jr./Sr. Kindergarten).

But for the moment, I'm not even supplying, and if all goes according to my current plan, I will be back to supplying when school is in. This means I have to make my social network a priority separate from my work community -- and also separate from most of family and friends who, understandably, cannot be at  my beck and call all the time, all having, as they do, separate friends, family, work-lives and interests than me. It's great having just a small, tight circle of friends and family, when you all live in the same town and go to the same school and attend the same events. But now that that's all changed (and been changed for quite some time I might add), I think maybe something broader, and possibly (this is still just an idea) more specialized is called for.

Now, so far that all sounds great, but as you may or may not know, I am really standoffish and shy when it comes to new people and new situations. I basically need to get into situations where I meet outgoing people who'll do the work for me, or situations where I meet with the same people so often over so long a period that I can't help having interesting stories in common to talk about and reminisce over. My French Additional Qualification course was great for that -- nothing like getting together for three months with a bunch of people you just finished spending a year in teacher's college with, and learning the same stuff over again in French to create camaraderie based on mutual "aha" moments and eyerolls! But without forking over a thousand dollars and 150 hours every three months to take another course, how am I going to create the right environment for myself to build more social ties?

Well, my current hopes rest in meetup.com -- a website that allows you to search for groups in your area that hold meets for things that interest you. Currently I'm favouring mostly women-centric clubs that do activities like ladies nights out, coffee chats, bookclubs and stuff like that.

Bookclubs, in particular, are an idea I'd been considering with some hope, and which was also recently suggested to me by Nonsense as a way to meet and interact with like-minded people. It occurred to me recently that maybe part of my reluctance these days to read all the deep, heavy (and usually literally thick) books that are coming out by authors I loved in highschool and university might be the fact that there's less motivation to possess a literary education and broad, up-to-date knowledge of current literature when your main conversation partners are five years old. I need people to talk to about what I've read, people to suggest good reads to me and be interested in what I think is a good read. People for whom my sudden insight about the parallels between character development, plot arc and theme in "The Jane Austen Book Club" might mean something and provoke a response.

That all said, it's harder than you might think to find a decent bookclub in the western half of Toronto. However, I've joined a few promising meetup groups, at least two of which have monthly bookclubs, along with other activities. I'm hoping they'll motivate me to both read new stuff, and make new friends.

Wish me luck!