It's who I AM, I think.

This showed up under "suggested for you" on my Facebook feed, and I hate this feature but I feel this post SO MUCH that I had to override my irritation to repost it. 

This past year I've been back to actually reading sometimes and enjoying it when I do, but where I really feel this is in the area of creating - art, music, text. 

It feels a bit pathological how much I still identify with it as a part of my personality and self image and yet descend into suspiciously iron-clad apathy whenever I actually try to conceive of something to make. Sigh.

Help - I need to shut it off

What I don't get, is that I'm feeling this relaxed peacefulness AT THE SAME TIME as this restless, can't-put-my-finger-on-it, head-exploding manic terror, AND the listless, apathetic, paralytic torpor. 

Why? 

Probably because in the back of my mind there's a voice saying, "Remember all that shit you didn't do when you were in crisis? Remember the list of 11 critical things of which you had to ignore all but the three that were really, really, super-critical? Well the ones that weren't are still critical and NOW you have time to do them. BACK TO WORK!" And I'm tired, so I can't, so I'm back in limbo.

Real talk: What do I do about this. Anybody lived with this issue and actually overcome it? Because I really can't even anymore. I need to relax when I have a moment to relax, without turning it into yet another problem, or I will actually expire. I wish there was some mechanical switch to cut off the electricity that powers the terror. 

Nuit blanche

Dear self,

It's 8:30 in the morning and I've just discovered we are out of spoons for the day. I know you aren't happy with me because I spent last night trying to problem solve all our inadequacies (one of which is the habit of trying to problem solve our inadequacies) and you're not actually sure if we slept at any point. But honestly, if we don't introspect, how can we expect to become the hero everybody needs? It's all about perspective. Just so you know, your dinner plate cracked so we'll use a paper one for now. It'll do fine for dishing up fistfuls gummi-worm flavoured feelings. Don't forget to check your to-do list for today and add the items we came up with last night. If you have trouble remembering what they were it's okay, I'm free to brainstorm some more tonight around 11. 

Okay gotta run, I'll see you later tonight. Have a great day! xoxo

Lots of love,

Self