I'm a pleaser.
I work hard -- too hard, usually -- to be liked and trusted, and when it works in my favour (when I'm getting the affection, the companionship, the career opportunities that I hope for), that can be rewarding, but overall, I think I hate it. I think it sucks being a yes-woman. I think I need to follow the advice I'm always giving others, and grow a spine.
I need to stop turning myself inside out, upside down and backwards to be able to say yes to every opportunity offered up to me by anybody at any time. Not every offer is given in order to do me a personal favour -- regardless of how guilty and ungrateful it makes me feel to even consider saying no. Not every possibility will take me in a way I actually want to go. Not every missed chance is a last chance. Not every opportunity needs to be seized regardless of what i'm working on at the moment or planning to do. Not every impression is a lasting impression. Not every disagreement will burn bridges.
I do not have to say yes, always, to everything put in my path by everyone.
Now I just have to figure out how to remember this, and act on it.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
In search of extra-curricular activity. (no. not that kind.)
This week I've been pondering and prodding at the idea of how to expand and strengthen my social network so that I don't feel isolated or at a loss for people with whom to do the activities I love.
Since finishing school, there's been a decided lack of consistent creative production in my life, and one of my main complaints has been that, as an adult in the "real world", outside of the structured environment of school, it's a lot less simple to participate in the 'extra-curricular' activities that were commonplace, especially in grade school. In highschool, my job was to be a student, and as such, I spent my day taking drama, music, creative writing and the like, cost-free (what did I know of taxes!) -- and my friends were already there because they, surprise surprise, had the same job I did.
But once you leave that structure behind, it gets harder to work in creative social activity on a daily basis. Working a "freelance" job as I basically do right now, the hours are great, but it's hard to socialize when you're in a different school among a different set of co-workers every day.
If I do ever settle into a single school rather than supply-teaching, I'm hoping I'll be amongst a fun, caring, social, activity-loving school community. I may even try to fix that in mind as my primary goal for getting a contract (currently, foremost in my semi-conscious thoughts on contract work is the hope that I'll get the kind of class I'd love to have -- specifically at the moment, English-language full-day Jr./Sr. Kindergarten).
But for the moment, I'm not even supplying, and if all goes according to my current plan, I will be back to supplying when school is in. This means I have to make my social network a priority separate from my work community -- and also separate from most of family and friends who, understandably, cannot be at my beck and call all the time, all having, as they do, separate friends, family, work-lives and interests than me. It's great having just a small, tight circle of friends and family, when you all live in the same town and go to the same school and attend the same events. But now that that's all changed (and been changed for quite some time I might add), I think maybe something broader, and possibly (this is still just an idea) more specialized is called for.
Now, so far that all sounds great, but as you may or may not know, I am really standoffish and shy when it comes to new people and new situations. I basically need to get into situations where I meet outgoing people who'll do the work for me, or situations where I meet with the same people so often over so long a period that I can't help having interesting stories in common to talk about and reminisce over. My French Additional Qualification course was great for that -- nothing like getting together for three months with a bunch of people you just finished spending a year in teacher's college with, and learning the same stuff over again in French to create camaraderie based on mutual "aha" moments and eyerolls! But without forking over a thousand dollars and 150 hours every three months to take another course, how am I going to create the right environment for myself to build more social ties?
Well, my current hopes rest in meetup.com -- a website that allows you to search for groups in your area that hold meets for things that interest you. Currently I'm favouring mostly women-centric clubs that do activities like ladies nights out, coffee chats, bookclubs and stuff like that.
Bookclubs, in particular, are an idea I'd been considering with some hope, and which was also recently suggested to me by Nonsense as a way to meet and interact with like-minded people. It occurred to me recently that maybe part of my reluctance these days to read all the deep, heavy (and usually literally thick) books that are coming out by authors I loved in highschool and university might be the fact that there's less motivation to possess a literary education and broad, up-to-date knowledge of current literature when your main conversation partners are five years old. I need people to talk to about what I've read, people to suggest good reads to me and be interested in what I think is a good read. People for whom my sudden insight about the parallels between character development, plot arc and theme in "The Jane Austen Book Club" might mean something and provoke a response.
That all said, it's harder than you might think to find a decent bookclub in the western half of Toronto. However, I've joined a few promising meetup groups, at least two of which have monthly bookclubs, along with other activities. I'm hoping they'll motivate me to both read new stuff, and make new friends.
Wish me luck!
Since finishing school, there's been a decided lack of consistent creative production in my life, and one of my main complaints has been that, as an adult in the "real world", outside of the structured environment of school, it's a lot less simple to participate in the 'extra-curricular' activities that were commonplace, especially in grade school. In highschool, my job was to be a student, and as such, I spent my day taking drama, music, creative writing and the like, cost-free (what did I know of taxes!) -- and my friends were already there because they, surprise surprise, had the same job I did.
But once you leave that structure behind, it gets harder to work in creative social activity on a daily basis. Working a "freelance" job as I basically do right now, the hours are great, but it's hard to socialize when you're in a different school among a different set of co-workers every day.
If I do ever settle into a single school rather than supply-teaching, I'm hoping I'll be amongst a fun, caring, social, activity-loving school community. I may even try to fix that in mind as my primary goal for getting a contract (currently, foremost in my semi-conscious thoughts on contract work is the hope that I'll get the kind of class I'd love to have -- specifically at the moment, English-language full-day Jr./Sr. Kindergarten).
But for the moment, I'm not even supplying, and if all goes according to my current plan, I will be back to supplying when school is in. This means I have to make my social network a priority separate from my work community -- and also separate from most of family and friends who, understandably, cannot be at my beck and call all the time, all having, as they do, separate friends, family, work-lives and interests than me. It's great having just a small, tight circle of friends and family, when you all live in the same town and go to the same school and attend the same events. But now that that's all changed (and been changed for quite some time I might add), I think maybe something broader, and possibly (this is still just an idea) more specialized is called for.
Now, so far that all sounds great, but as you may or may not know, I am really standoffish and shy when it comes to new people and new situations. I basically need to get into situations where I meet outgoing people who'll do the work for me, or situations where I meet with the same people so often over so long a period that I can't help having interesting stories in common to talk about and reminisce over. My French Additional Qualification course was great for that -- nothing like getting together for three months with a bunch of people you just finished spending a year in teacher's college with, and learning the same stuff over again in French to create camaraderie based on mutual "aha" moments and eyerolls! But without forking over a thousand dollars and 150 hours every three months to take another course, how am I going to create the right environment for myself to build more social ties?
Well, my current hopes rest in meetup.com -- a website that allows you to search for groups in your area that hold meets for things that interest you. Currently I'm favouring mostly women-centric clubs that do activities like ladies nights out, coffee chats, bookclubs and stuff like that.
Bookclubs, in particular, are an idea I'd been considering with some hope, and which was also recently suggested to me by Nonsense as a way to meet and interact with like-minded people. It occurred to me recently that maybe part of my reluctance these days to read all the deep, heavy (and usually literally thick) books that are coming out by authors I loved in highschool and university might be the fact that there's less motivation to possess a literary education and broad, up-to-date knowledge of current literature when your main conversation partners are five years old. I need people to talk to about what I've read, people to suggest good reads to me and be interested in what I think is a good read. People for whom my sudden insight about the parallels between character development, plot arc and theme in "The Jane Austen Book Club" might mean something and provoke a response.
That all said, it's harder than you might think to find a decent bookclub in the western half of Toronto. However, I've joined a few promising meetup groups, at least two of which have monthly bookclubs, along with other activities. I'm hoping they'll motivate me to both read new stuff, and make new friends.
Wish me luck!
Monday, July 5, 2010
I am a cookie monster. Admit it, you are too.
Good times this Canada Day/Pride weekend.
Friday I went to see sis's show, A Freudian Slip of the Jung, which was really hilarious. The acting, especially by the actors playing Freud and Jung, is fantastic, and if you like "fourth-wall" humour, this show does it really well. If you get a chance, go see it, you'll enjoy!
Saturday was Geekbeep's final-twentieth birthday. Met and chatted with some fun folks at the barbeque, and had loads of great food -- always a given at her parties! As a birthday gift I brought a batch of chocolate crinkle cookies, which seem to have been a hit. These are a few of my favourite things -- in terms of return on investment, these babies are easy to make and crazy tasty. As promised, I'm posting the recipe here for your consumption.
My quest for this recipe began when I tasted Le Gourmand's highly addictive, insanely delicious, sinfully gooey Nookie Cookies. I haven't been able to find anything exactly like them (according to one of the employees there, their cookies are made with almond flour and without wheat or eggs), but these are pretty close and sooooo good. They don't actually contain any cocaine, but don't be surprised if you become addicted.
After Geekbeep's barbeque, I went down to the Village for some pre-parade partying with friends. A fun drag show and some dancing was a nice ending to the night.
Sunday was kind of odd. I was looking forward to meandering through the Pride marketplace with few girlfriends, and since I know Nonsense generally enjoys the Pride day events and since we hadn't hung out much of the weekend, I asked at the last minute if he wanted to join. We headed out in the afternoon but, on the way, found that various complications meant our girlfriends probably would not make it, so it was just the two of us. Once we got downtown, I began powering through the crowds as if I was trying to get somewhere, but once I got to where I thought I was going, I found I didn't know what I was trying to get there for, so I just continued pushing through the crowds and the market areas, at a reasonable walking pace now but still in a straight line and with none of the meandering I had originally pictured, with Nonsense wandering alongside.
I think I was vaguely interested in wandering the market stalls, but knowing that that's not my beloved's thing, I walked on, perhaps in search of a stall at which one or the other of us actually did want to make a purchase. But since there weren't any where I could have justified the purchase as something other than "frivolous" impulse buying, we just kept walking until we'd done the circuit... and then we went home, me feeling strangely deflated and bemused.
In retrospect, I think I was kind of at a loss, what with the change in expected grouping. Have I mentioned how easily I get thrown off by change?
See, I know my girls like the whole festival atmosphere, the wandering with little purpose, the checking out of random merchandise at the stalls, the chatting about life, the universe and everything as you go. I also know that this is something Nonsense would not be as into, but would suffer for the sake of being agreeable to those he's with. And while it's perfectly acceptable for him to be agreeable to me, I don't like to drag him into things he's not going to enjoy, especially if it might mean he has to find his kicks in gently taking the piss out of me -- which while funny, can be irksome when you're not trying to be cute and peculiar.
So yeah, clearly in need of a better plan next time. A plan for dealing with change in general, and for enjoying unplanned fun with my boyfriend specifically. Hmmm.
Friday I went to see sis's show, A Freudian Slip of the Jung, which was really hilarious. The acting, especially by the actors playing Freud and Jung, is fantastic, and if you like "fourth-wall" humour, this show does it really well. If you get a chance, go see it, you'll enjoy!
Saturday was Geekbeep's final-twentieth birthday. Met and chatted with some fun folks at the barbeque, and had loads of great food -- always a given at her parties! As a birthday gift I brought a batch of chocolate crinkle cookies, which seem to have been a hit. These are a few of my favourite things -- in terms of return on investment, these babies are easy to make and crazy tasty. As promised, I'm posting the recipe here for your consumption.
My quest for this recipe began when I tasted Le Gourmand's highly addictive, insanely delicious, sinfully gooey Nookie Cookies. I haven't been able to find anything exactly like them (according to one of the employees there, their cookies are made with almond flour and without wheat or eggs), but these are pretty close and sooooo good. They don't actually contain any cocaine, but don't be surprised if you become addicted.
Chocolate Crinkle Cookies
(originally from http://www.1001recipe.com/recipes/food/chocolate_crinkle_cookies/. I haven't made changes to her recipe, I just omitted or added information as it suited my cooking style.)
Yield: Last time I made these, I got 17 cookies, a bit larger than one inch.
Ingredients:
3/4 cup flour
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 cup sweet butter
1/3 cup cocoa powder (not Dutch processed)
1 egg (room temp.)
1/2 tsp vanilla (or 1 tsp instant coffee granules dissolved in 2 tbsp hot water)
1/3 cup semisweet or dark chocolate chips or 2 oz./60 g semisweet or dark chocolate, chopped
3/4 cup powdered sugar
Directions:
- Stir together flour, sugar, baking powder, salt.
- In a small bowl or saucepan, melt butter. Add cocoa, whisking until smooth. Stir in egg until fully blended. Stir in vanilla.
- Stir flour mix into cocoa mix until just combined. Do not overmix. Fold in chocolate chips. (I usually use my hands as it's quite stiff at this point).
- Can refrigerate a few days if desired (but note that if you do, forming the cookie balls will take more work ane patience!)
- Preheat oven to 350F. Line baking sheets with parchment paper.
- Scoop small pieces of dough and roll in palm to make 1-inch balls. Roll twice in powdered sugar and place on baking sheet, 2 inches apart.
- Bake 10-12 minutes or until cracked and still soft. Do not overbake.
- Let cool on baking sheets 5 minutes. Transfer to wire rack to cool completely.
After Geekbeep's barbeque, I went down to the Village for some pre-parade partying with friends. A fun drag show and some dancing was a nice ending to the night.
Sunday was kind of odd. I was looking forward to meandering through the Pride marketplace with few girlfriends, and since I know Nonsense generally enjoys the Pride day events and since we hadn't hung out much of the weekend, I asked at the last minute if he wanted to join. We headed out in the afternoon but, on the way, found that various complications meant our girlfriends probably would not make it, so it was just the two of us. Once we got downtown, I began powering through the crowds as if I was trying to get somewhere, but once I got to where I thought I was going, I found I didn't know what I was trying to get there for, so I just continued pushing through the crowds and the market areas, at a reasonable walking pace now but still in a straight line and with none of the meandering I had originally pictured, with Nonsense wandering alongside.
I think I was vaguely interested in wandering the market stalls, but knowing that that's not my beloved's thing, I walked on, perhaps in search of a stall at which one or the other of us actually did want to make a purchase. But since there weren't any where I could have justified the purchase as something other than "frivolous" impulse buying, we just kept walking until we'd done the circuit... and then we went home, me feeling strangely deflated and bemused.
In retrospect, I think I was kind of at a loss, what with the change in expected grouping. Have I mentioned how easily I get thrown off by change?
See, I know my girls like the whole festival atmosphere, the wandering with little purpose, the checking out of random merchandise at the stalls, the chatting about life, the universe and everything as you go. I also know that this is something Nonsense would not be as into, but would suffer for the sake of being agreeable to those he's with. And while it's perfectly acceptable for him to be agreeable to me, I don't like to drag him into things he's not going to enjoy, especially if it might mean he has to find his kicks in gently taking the piss out of me -- which while funny, can be irksome when you're not trying to be cute and peculiar.
So yeah, clearly in need of a better plan next time. A plan for dealing with change in general, and for enjoying unplanned fun with my boyfriend specifically. Hmmm.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Happy Canada Day! (or: Hello HST, Goodbye Free TV)
I learned something today that brought my dreams of a leisurely summer spent catching up on my various stories to a screeching halt.
Ninjavideo and Surfthechannel are dead. WHAT!?
But I was in the middle of the third season of House! And what about the whole final season of Battlestar Galactica that I have yet to start on? I don't want to own it, I just want to watch it! But surely this is only temporary, right? Right?... RIGHT?!
All this might have been taken with equanimity, but for the fact that Nonsense and I are now down to our last episode of Lost: Season 5, and the final season doesn't come out on DVD until the end of August. Boondocks: Season 3? Doesn't even finish airing in the U.S. until midsummer. And just so you know, I would totally do the right thing! But I'm a fan of owning whole collections, rather than just a season here or there. I can't afford to buy all my shows on DVD -- especially not if I want to be able to spend all summer watching them instead of getting a job. What am I going to do? How am I going to entertain myself for the next two months?
Ah well, so far I've been having fun, and the prospect for the next half-week, at least, is looking good.
Today, G, K, Nonsense and I went to the park for Ribfest and general Canada Day festivities. I almost tried a deep-fried Mars Bar, but that'll have to wait for next year, since in the end I couldn't resist getting an elephant ear with strawberries and ice cream instead. Jealous? I thought so.
Tomorrow I'm going to see a fringe show, and the next day will be happily spent eating more tasty barbeque in honour of the happy day of Geek's birth. After that, the rest of the weekend will most likely be spent on Pride frivolities of one kind or another. I know, it sounds busy, but really, I can rest when I'm dead. Or on Monday. Whichever comes first.
All this might have been taken with equanimity, but for the fact that Nonsense and I are now down to our last episode of Lost: Season 5, and the final season doesn't come out on DVD until the end of August. Boondocks: Season 3? Doesn't even finish airing in the U.S. until midsummer. And just so you know, I would totally do the right thing! But I'm a fan of owning whole collections, rather than just a season here or there. I can't afford to buy all my shows on DVD -- especially not if I want to be able to spend all summer watching them instead of getting a job. What am I going to do? How am I going to entertain myself for the next two months?
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