Defining D (or: The Life of the Spirited Adult)

Today my therapist used the word "spirited" in reference to some of the personal traits I was describing to her.

We were talking about how I feel the impact of small events, particularly small disappointments, very strongly, and how I have a really tough time emotionally, when it comes to handling transitions smoothly and positively. I had said that, like any person who's done a few undergrad psych courses, I sometimes look at the characteristics they mention of certain disorders and see myself. A major recognizable trait that can help diagnose Asperger's Syndrome, for example, is difficulty handling transitions. I have difficulty handling transitions, so it makes me wonder...

But no, my therapist said. The difference is that for me, I have difficulty handling transitions, but, you know, I do handle them, if poorly. Whereas a person with autism or Asperger's, on encountering an unexpected transitional moment, might instead, to use the vulgar term, lose their shit.

So, "spirited".

Apparently it's a term mostly used to refer to children when they have one or more specific character traits, such as liveliness, sensitivity, persistence, in intensity higher than most children. These traits may tend to make their own childhoods and the task of parenting and teaching them more challenging than usual.

I thought it an interesting and highly specific use of a word that usually has a fairly obvious, everyday connotation. Previously, hearing somebody use the term "spirited child" I would have directly equated this to hyperactivity or defiance, and not thought any other interpretation possible. Since I'm by no means a hyper or defiant person, I decided to look up this particular usage in order to better understand its meaning. What I found was pretty interesting to me, both personally and as a teacher of young kids.

First of all, I get the sense that the term is not incredibly well-known. Although Yahoo.ca produced some 13 million results for "spirited children", Google.ca produced less than 60,000 (I suspect some of the difference may include results from the same website, which Google may have counted as the same and Yahoo as different results, but not sure). Furthermore, I've never heard the word used this way, and I work with children on a daily basis. Nonetheless, taken by itself, the term "spirited" to refer to people who tend to do things differently from the mainstream of society, and as a result may have trouble conforming, seems like a much nicer and more positive way of identifying those characteristics than "difficult" or even the more politically correct "high-needs". It may be less specific, but it's certainly more encouraging. 

My research wasn't exhaustive, but in the pages I did look at, the most helpful description I found of what a "spirited child" is was on the "canadianparents.com" forum, where they have a subforum specifically called "Spirited Children". One user posts both a description, and a list of character traits as follows (I've edited for ease of reading), though so far I have not figured out her source: 

Description

All children possess the characteristics of being intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change, but a spirited child experiences one or more of these characteristics more than another child. There is more depth, and range to a spirited child's characteristics and emotions.

Characteristics

Here is a quick rundown of the characteristics of a spirited child, and the bonus characteristics.
Remember that your spirited child may or may not possess all these characteristics, but they will experience one or more of them more than others.

Intensity:

• An intense child is loud, dramatic; they don't cry, they shriek. They are noisy at play, laughing, and love to sing at the top of their lungs.
• They can also be the quiet intent observant child. They assess the situation and size it up before entering a situation. Their intensity is focused inward.
• No matter where their intensity is focused their temper tantrums are raw and enduring.

Persistence:

• They lock into what is important to them -- ideas, activities or tasks. They are goal oriented and don't give up easily. They love to debate and getting them to change their minds is a great undertaking. They are not afraid to assert themselves.

Sensitivity:

• Quick to respond to noise smells lights, textures, or changes in mood. They are overwhelmed in crowds and are keenly aware. Every sensation and emotion is absorbed by them, including your feelings.
• This is the child who can't stand a tag in their shirt, or being in crowds, or tells you when you are in a bad mood before you realize you're in a bad mood.

Perceptiveness:

• They notice everything! They are often accused of not listening. They are distracted easily by the birds in the window, or a commercial on the television. You send them to put their shoes on, but they get distracted by the toy they found beside their shoe.

Adaptability:

• Uncomfortable with change. They don't like surprises and have a hard time shifting from one activity to another, or from one idea to another. This is the child who gets upset if they were expecting to go to the park but couldn't because it rained.

Here are some of the "bonus" characteristics. Bonus characteristics are not common with all spirited children.

Regularity:

• Impossible to to get them on any schedule. It's hard to figure out when they will sleep or be hungry.

Energy:

• Not all spirited children are energetic; those who are take things apart then put them back together again. They are jumping crawling and climbing. They are on the go until they fall asleep. They may seem wild, but their energy usually has a purpose.

First Reaction:

• Quick withdrawal from anything new. Unfamiliar ideas, places, people or situations may result in a vehement no. They need time to warm up before they are ready to participate or talk to someone new.

Mood:

• They are analytical, pick apart experiences, find flaws, and make suggestions for change. Smiles are rare, and their world is a serious place for spirited children.

I see myself in a lot of these characteristics, I'm not a high-energy person, but most of the other traits apply to me to a fairly high degree. I think if I had to be specific, my most notable charcteristics would be sensitivity, perceptiveness, low adaptability, and standoffish first reactions.

Interestingly, I found it tough to find information on how to deal with these traits of spiritedness positively as an adult, in circumstances where they become maladaptive. However, that's what therapy's for, I suppose. And just having a word for myself that encompasses both my normalness and my abnormalness, and doesn't make me feel crazy for feeling generally uneasy in the world though I constantly seek peace, and though everyone else seems to think I'm fiiiiiine, lets me breathe easier. Right now I'm working on being proactive and turning uncomfortable experiences into learning for the future (i.e. what would I do differently next time?), as well as acknowledging and accepting my difficulty with transitions and dealing with that in a way that will let me move on from the emotional upset more quickly (i.e. yep, it rained and we were stuck indoors, but I couldn't have prevented it, and hopefully getting some exercise now will make me feel better.).