Unyielding grey

I’m… sad. Maybe? Lonely. And I worry that it’s because I’m inadequate. I’m doing something wrong. I also worry that it’s not that I’m doing something wrong, and that this is just how I’ll always feel and I’m… wrong? About the idea that it’s not supposed to feel this way, that feeling this way is awful.

It’s not very intense. I don’t feel it strongly, it’s just… there. Underneath everything, but also overlaying everything and colouring my view I guess. Everything is grey. Blah. Meh. Fine. Not great. Not even that good much of the time. Not really awful, but it feels awful, as if awful is always there lurking, waiting, seeping into everything by way of proximity alone.

Maybe I should get medicated for depression again. But I don’t want to go on a medication that’s going to make me think something’s happening and then let me down again. I’m too tired to hope again. It’s too painful, especially when I really don’t believe anything can help, and I’ve been told in basically as many words that I can’t be helped.

Although it’s worth noting that I’m resistant to a lot of things that are meant to alter and improve your psychiatric outlook. Not just medication but also cigarettes and weed. So maybe it’s not helping not because I’m looking at it wrong or doing things wrong or not understanding what “helping” is supposed to look like, but because it’s actually not doing what it’s supposed to do. And if that’s the case, then it’s great that it means I’m not just nuts for feeling like nothing’s happening, but… well what the hell do I do now?

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The best thing I did today was bake streusel-topped banana muffins with J. They turned out pretty good, and I decided to actually print out the recipe this time, so I was able to put it in my recipe binder, which means I'll be able to find it next time I want a recipe for banana bread or muffins. I make the stuff often enough that it was starting to feel silly not having a go-to recipe, and needing to search the entire internet for one every few months as if I'd never tried making it myself before. So now I have a go-to recipe reference, and it has a streusel topping which is even better! I mean, it might even be better than adding chocolate chips to them. I feel that chocolate chips in banana muffins is nice, but I'd rather just have chocolate chip muffins at that point, or just devour a plain banana muffin and then savour a little chocolate bar. The chocolate does improve the muffin quite a bit, but it no longer seems like a banana muffin, which calls healthiness to mind, and then banishes the thought when the chocolate enters the picture. So streusel it is. I even made sure it was oatmeal streusel. Because they are healthy. 

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That thing happened again during our couple meeting where I feel like there's something important, or maybe lots of smaller things that add up to important, that I wanted to bring up, so I keep casting about in my brain for what they were, occasionally bringing up a tiny thing that pops into my head on request and hoping that's the thing but realizing it has no substance with which to build a "discussion" and so that can't be it, so trying to figure out something else and trying to let myself be silent while doing it but either failing or being interrupted with his silence-filling, so that after half an hour we have discussed nothing of consequence and I feel like I have wasted the small window of attention I had and he has had his time wasted by stuff that doesn't mean anything but that he will now think is what I want him to pay attention to. I feel like I failed at making myself seen, again, and so I go away again, resigned to trying again next Sunday evening. 

Grey.