To write or not to write?

Why do I feel so strongly, sometimes, that writing won't help me? My mind tells me it's just wallowing and won't really get me much of anywhere, that I don't really have much to say that would be worth writing down anyway. I wish I understood where that's coming from and whether it's true. Often when I'm in an ok place, I will ponder the fact that I can always journal to help myself untangle things. But when I'm feeling just on that outer cusp of being lost or down, I definitely lean towards writing being a kind of anti-help. It feels like useless navel gazing -- self-indulgent, digging the hole deeper instead of helping me out of it. Maybe because sometimes once I've written things down and gotten them out of my brain, they lose a lot of their urgency and I don't feel as strongly the need to act on them, even though I've now got the guidance I was looking for. 

I wish I knew which things were patterns and which were just chaos made sensible enough to observe and think on. What on earth is it that I need right now? What do I need to be doing? What do I have to also do in the meantime to support and sustain my ability to keep doing whatever I need? How much money do I need to be making, and how can I do that without compromising my health and recovery? For how long can I "just be" before I need to get down to doing? How much do I need to push myself and how much can I just let myself wander and explore? 

It's a little demoralizing just trying to ponder this stuff. No matter what I do or where I'm at, it seems, I'm not in the right place. Or I am in the right place but I don't know it so I'm fighting myself. But like, which part of me is right? Which part of me has my best interests at heart and which is the one I need to resist? And if all the parts are me and loveable and loving, but they're self-contradicting, then how do I chart my course? How do I decide? 

Integrity, integrate, integral. Return to my values. Connecting with community. Creating strength from plurality. Finding solutions that fit. Questing for truth and honouring truthfulness. Allowing and inviting wholeness. 

As for the writing part -- I know that I need to put things into words in order to begin ordering and understanding them. It may be true that I sometimes use writing as a way to avoid the actual work of doing the things that need to be done, or even as a way of saying only within myself things that need to be said to others. However, the truth is, if I don't put things into words, they will just circle forever inside me and I will almost certainly never do anything with them at all. So maybe this is the better first step for these struggles. Maybe if I can order my thoughts somewhat more consistently, I will be able, soon, to start expressing truth aloud, knowing that I at least am more aware of what I'm feeling and thinking and how my thoughts and feelings affect my actions.