It's who I AM, I think.

This showed up under "suggested for you" on my Facebook feed, and I hate this feature but I feel this post SO MUCH that I had to override my irritation to repost it. 

This past year I've been back to actually reading sometimes and enjoying it when I do, but where I really feel this is in the area of creating - art, music, text. 

It feels a bit pathological how much I still identify with it as a part of my personality and self image and yet descend into suspiciously iron-clad apathy whenever I actually try to conceive of something to make. Sigh.

Help - I need to shut it off

What I don't get, is that I'm feeling this relaxed peacefulness AT THE SAME TIME as this restless, can't-put-my-finger-on-it, head-exploding manic terror, AND the listless, apathetic, paralytic torpor. 

Why? 

Probably because in the back of my mind there's a voice saying, "Remember all that shit you didn't do when you were in crisis? Remember the list of 11 critical things of which you had to ignore all but the three that were really, really, super-critical? Well the ones that weren't are still critical and NOW you have time to do them. BACK TO WORK!" And I'm tired, so I can't, so I'm back in limbo.

Real talk: What do I do about this. Anybody lived with this issue and actually overcome it? Because I really can't even anymore. I need to relax when I have a moment to relax, without turning it into yet another problem, or I will actually expire. I wish there was some mechanical switch to cut off the electricity that powers the terror. 

Nuit blanche

Dear self,

It's 8:30 in the morning and I've just discovered we are out of spoons for the day. I know you aren't happy with me because I spent last night trying to problem solve all our inadequacies (one of which is the habit of trying to problem solve our inadequacies) and you're not actually sure if we slept at any point. But honestly, if we don't introspect, how can we expect to become the hero everybody needs? It's all about perspective. Just so you know, your dinner plate cracked so we'll use a paper one for now. It'll do fine for dishing up fistfuls gummi-worm flavoured feelings. Don't forget to check your to-do list for today and add the items we came up with last night. If you have trouble remembering what they were it's okay, I'm free to brainstorm some more tonight around 11. 

Okay gotta run, I'll see you later tonight. Have a great day! xoxo

Lots of love,

Self

Am I actually the actual worst?

 Am I the actual worst? I feel like I might be. All these messages about how we're all doing our best and we're worthy of care and we deserve compassion and to be allowed to be kinder to ourselves, and here I am feeling, absurdly, like maybe everything I've been working so hard to learn for the last 7 or 8 years doesn't apply to me. 

I kind of want to come at this objectively. Part of me thinks maybe I shouldn't entertain it at all, but part of me never buys that idea because I hate the idea that not doing so might equate to running away from my problems, or ignoring my own actions that contribute to the situation. 

So why am I feeling like a pariah right now? I have a lot of things in the air that I'm trying to organize, where situations and people aren't coming together neatly. In the meantime I feel like I'm unintentionally ignoring and pushing away the people in my life in the moment so that I can make everything in my mind balance out properly for the things I'm organizing. How am I going to repair my relationships and stay connected to my loved ones and help my family live the full life I'm trying to make sure we don't miss, when I seem to need a 12 hour block of silent solitude in order to plan one outing? I'm trying to slow down but I feel like when I don't push myself, somebody is constantly standing just outside my peripheral vision, looking over my shoulder and sneering at how much of a lazy slob I'm being. They keep silently pointing to how much time I've been off work, how many times I've let things drop so I can have less in my hand, and saying, "it's STILL not enough!? How much do you WANT?!"

I mean how can I still be overwhelmed? 

One possible answer is in the fact that everyone keeps asking me about what I'm doing this year and I don't have any new answers. I have no income, and no set plans for making any given that I am not yet a member of the supply list. There's all this stuff in the background that I kind of feel like I should be doing but also kind of feel like it's pointless for whatever reason. I should check my email for supply list stuff. But why would they have sent me anything about that yet? I should call the daycare about spaces. But they said mid-August and we're not quite there yet so they'll just say not yet. I should ... I can't even get started because it'll pull me down further. 

What is it I NEED right now? What would be helpful and comforting? Sitting with my discomfort maybe. Sure. And reminding myself that I don't always have to problem solve. I can stop problem solving and trying to figure out what's wrong and how I'm supposed to fix it for now. Everyone doesn't do this all the time. I am allowed to stop. Even if I miss something because of it. Just be in my body and let my mind be for now. Ugh. I'm out. 

Simply poetic

Terrarium

World unto itself

Basking, locked in time, in space,

A wondrous microcosm