Wearing my worry on my sleeve

I seem to have developed a disturbingly persistent Bejeweled Blitz habit.

I'm not sure what exactly is behind it. I mean I like puzzle games, like Tetris, Puzzlequest, Bejeweled and such, stuff that requires a good eye and good processing skills but little strategy, so it's a natural enough thing for me to use as a frequent pastime. But I feel like it's gotten ridiculous! I mean... there's no thought involved, and not a whole lot in terms of progress to be made (currently I'm trying to see if I can give the coin counter a meltdown by acquiring enough coins to increase the digit count by one, but it failed to break when I hit 100,000, so I'm not betting on success).

Mostly these days, it's a tool for occupying my restless hands and numbing my restless mind. I'm bored. Bored and kind of lonely, really. It's a problem I'm not sure at this point how to solve, since despite being rather timid and reserved in strange company, I've discovered I'm almost wholly a creature of social pleasures, and my social net is kind of strained thin lately for various reasons. Still, it's good to be able to know it and say it.

I recently started taking medication to alleviate anxiety and depression, and as of now, one promising effect has been to relieve me of a lot of the spiralling-out-of-proportion thought compulsions I was used to being embroiled in much of the time. The realization that I probably should find a minute in the next week or so to cut my toenails no longer sends me into a morass of panicky thoughts about how I just will never be able to find the time to do all the things I need to do over and over again just to keep myself fit for polite society for the rest of my life!

However, on the other side of this coin, the disconcerting nakedness I feel without my constant stream of worry leaves me uneasy. Not only that, but sometimes I feel decidedly apathetic about things I'm not sure it's appropriate to feel apathetic about, especially if you're me. Which I am. I haven't had an "okay, it's time to get rid of the clutter before it topples over on you" moment in quite some time, and my clutter, as a consequence, is now threatening to topple over on me in a way it hasn't been allowed to do in quite some time. Even though I know I'm starving for connection, unsought opportunities go untaken, messages unanswered -- and I feel like it's more than my usual scatteredness. Apathy isn't like me -- at least I don't think it is.


Nonetheless, it's really, really nice to experience what it's like to float on an even keel for a while. For that, I'm definitely willing to continue giving the current chemistry a chance to work itself out.