Exercise.... who knew?

So this anti-anxiety, anti-depression medication that I'm taking has been taking me on a minor roller-coaster (think teacups, not days of thunder) of side-effects. At first I had a lot, but only for a few days. Eventually it leveled out so I seemed to only be having trouble with some jaw tension, and vivid yet mundane dreams that sometimes tire me out (which I've had for some time, but have become more frequent since the medication). I figured I could handle that, at least for a few months, as long as I was able to be comfortable most of the time.

However, more recently, a couple of somewhat more disturbing (in both the physical and emotional sense) side-effects have cropped up -- more than usually jittery legs after having lay in the same position for a while, and a weird involuntary movement of my diaphragm that disrupts my regular breathing pattern when I'm drifting toward sleep -- both of which seriously derail my ability to get a good night's sleep. And you know how I feel about sleep. Not only that, but my strange dreams kept me popping in and out of sleep and full of exhausting worry during the sleep I did get. So unfair! This, and not headaches and jaw tension, was enough to make me think about calling my doctor for a change.

I had these side-effects when I first started taking the medication, but since I'd had them less intensely before when not on medication, and since they died off as the initial jitteriness caused by the meds calmed down, I wasn't worried about them. But when they started cropping up again, they were both disruptive and worrisome.

But another cofactor, which may have seemed fairly inconsequential but which I'm now thinking may have an important effect on regulation of the medication's ability to make me jittery, is the fact that around the time I started taking this medication, I also started going to Goodlife and taking BodyFlow or aerobic classes once a week. I noticed that even though I was very jittery at first, the night after BodyFlow or BodyJam, I slept like a baby.

Eventually, the side effects completely died down and I thought nothing more of them, until late July, when I had a few interruptions to my gym schedule, and stayed away for probably about a month. About three weeks in, my jittery legs and diaphragm were back and I was noticing headaches and jaw tension more. I wondered if there was any coincidence, since even through the screen of my habitual reluctance to drag myself out to the gym, I felt a longing to go there. A few nights, I tried doing a sun-worship yoga flow once through on each side of my body before going to bed, and things improved measurably. I was able to get through a night's sleep. Perhaps I was really on to something.

I mentioned to my therapist the theory that getting back to the gym might calm my jitters. She didn't endorse it one way or the other (although she's all for exercise as a good way to combat depression and anxiety), but she suggested that I test it by using the following week (this past one) as a trial period, to step up (reinstate, really) my exercise routine and see if it helped.

So I went and did a quickie workout (a 15 minute run, a few weight machines, a couple stretches) on Friday the 27th, and that -- probably in combination with lots of walking in shopping malls and beaches during the following weekend -- took me through to about September 1 with no sleep issues. Around the night of the 2nd, I got a few jitters and a few breathing hiccups, but nothing that kept me from sleeping the night. Yesterday I went again and went all the way through Goodlife's "FitFix" gym, and last night I slept soundly, without even any weird dreams to tire me out.

My theory is that maybe this medication really elevates whatever it is that makes me hyper and full of energy, and that I need to siphon some of that off every once in a while so that it doesn't prevent me from having downtime. So exercise is the key for me to get a good night's sleep. How's that for motivation to go to the gym?

Operation Fruitfly Bust: Day 1

So Nonsense and I have been trying some different things with household chores and with arrangement of general stuff around the house. Significant to this post in particular, he took on all the cooking and the dishes, and I took on all other household chores, including, importantly, taking out the garbage.

Now, I don't mind taking out the garbage, but many of you will know how I feel in general about facing the elements, as well as about wasting time. So generally I like to kill two birds with one stone and take out the garbage when I'm actually going out somewhere for some other reason. The problem with this is that I usually either forget to take the garbage when I'm going somewhere, or I'm running late so I don't have time to round up all the bags. What this means is that sometimes our kitchen garbage is full to the point where the lid can't quite cover the top of the bag. And since we like fruits and veggies, what this means is a moderate infestation of fruit flies.

Now, normally this isn't so bad because we would keep the garbage under the sink, so not too many fruit flies end up making their way into the kitchen. Buuuuut, as I mentioned we've been trying some new things with arrangement of stuff. I found that having the kitchen garbage (which is in one of those pails you step on to lift the lid) in the cabinet under the sink reeeaally inconvenient. and I suddenly had a revelation that in fact, it didn't have to be there. So we decided to try it out in the kitchen, against a relatively out-of-the-way wall. Much more convenient. To us, and, unfortunately the fruit flies. What with the detritus of random meals and snacks in the garbage pail, each time we open the lid of our garbage can, about 10 fruit flies catapult up into our faces. We now have a more major infestation, and a few days ago Marcin was seriously pondering putting the garbage back under the sink. With this distasteful threat over my head after having tasted the convenience of having it out where I can actually step on the lever, I realized we'd have to get serious about busting these bugs.

The first thing I did was a bit of online research. Some of the simple, natural, and seemingly intuitive recommendations I've had for both preventing and getting rid of the pests are:

• rinsing fruits and veggies as soon as you buy them. Refrigerating unconsumed produce immediately is also a good tactic (Sadly, common fruit fly harbourers are of course also usually best left out rather than refrigerated. Bananas, tomatoes and peaches are all the worse for wear after the fridge, and around here we -- especially Nonsense, but lately myself also -- are big on fresh flavour.).
• making sure the garbage pail (not just the bag) is kept clean and free of decomposing foodstuffs, since fruit flies' habitat, food source and breeding ground is in fact rotting fruit.
• putting out a jar of apple cider vinegar, with a paper funnel sealing the top so that the fruit flies find their way in to get at the vinegar, and are then trapped inside the jar.
• putting out a ziploc bag of banana, apple, tomato or other fruit chunks with most of its zipper closed but enough open to allow the air and bugs to circulate, and then sealing the flies in or killing them as they come.

One thing I also thought to try was to see if I could prevent access to both the smell of fresh produce and the actual produce itself, by covering up my fruits.

So armed with this new knowledge, I've decided to experiment. I started in the afternoon by taking out all the garbage in the apartment, and thoroughly cleaning and disinfecting the kitchen garbage pail and the lid. I rinsed the bananas I'd bought before putting them out, and when I did, I tried a bunch of different coverings. Sadly, none were big enough to cover a bunch of 6 bananas. However, I did eventually happen upon a combination of two of our metal mixing bowls which, when I broke the banana bunch in two and faced one bunch down across the other, would form what will hopefully be a good enough seal to keep the little vermin out.

Thirdly, I felt the ziploc bag trap would be more practical for me than the jar trap, so I put a banana peel and a few chunks of fruit into a ziploc sandwich bag and zipped it partway (I had to try a few different ways to make sure it stood up enough to allow air to flow in and out. Eventually I stood the bag up between the microwave and espresso machine).

By the end of the night the bagged banana chunks were browning and the fruit flies were definitely interested. The bits of onion and celery in the nearly empty garbage can did not seem to have drawn any flies, nor did the bananas in the bowls. My nefarious plan was working... not yet sure what to do with the bag, and when, but that could wait until morning.

I dreamed a dream (or: A very un-portent state)

Here's why I don't believe that dreams are portents sent from some outside entity to forewarn of present or future events.

The content, intensity and memorability of my dreams is heavily based on what I've been thinking about over the past month, whether or not I'm on medication, and what I've eaten that evening. In other words, my dreams are made up of my inner life. To me, this signals something that can have direct bearing only on that inner life, and can go further only via my choices.

Last night, I dreamed (among other dreams) that G, K and I went on a jaunt to Paris, secure in the knowledge of having rented an apartment from somebody that G knew. When we arrived, we realized none of us had thought to google the place to find out where it was. All we knew, collectively, was that it was in Paris, and that it had an address on rue Ste-Bernadette. No problem right? We'll just poke around town til we find it? D'oh.

So we started asking people -- Ou se trouve rue Ste-Bernadette? -- Euhhh... je ne connais pas rue Ste-Bernadette... So we started looking in the phone books... no such of a road. The apartment could not have existed, we had been had!

(Incidentally, I have since googled it, and found that indeed, there is no rue Ste-Bernadette in Paris, though there is a place Ste-Bernadette in a nearby suburb. So there you go.)

As I drifted toward wakefulness, I was still pondering the possibilities for moving forward -- perhaps I could get a job tutoring English to teens wanting to go abroad, or French to ex-pats and tourists, to support my sisters and I while we tried to eke out food and lodgings and entertainment during our stay...

I found the dream slightly disconcerting in its verisimilitude (colour, reality of character, intensity of real life, plausibility), but all of the elements can easily be traced back to things I know and frequently think about. I have no worry that I will soon embark on a botched overseas trip. If you know me, you know I wouldn't budge without personally knowing exactly where I was going first.

I've never believed in dreams as a hard and fast set of symbols that are universal to everyone, or even to a given cultural set, and I've never really understood the thinking that says that they are. I think the dreams of an individual have unique representations for the individual and any commonality can only be owing to the experiences and imagery that any set of people may happen to have in common. No matter what else is true, I believe that dreams are built from whatever is within the person, and if a given person does not have a deep-seated idea of, for example, a voyage as something that represents an inheritance (or, in my case, a disastrous voyage that represents incompetence and false loves), then I don't believe that such a dream can possibly represent those things for that person.

This is not to say that I don't believe dreams can have meaning, or that they can sometimes reveal shocking things to people. I think dreams can be a medium to reveal truths that may be within a person's sensory grasp but outside of their ability to effectively process. That is to say, I think dreams are exclusively a way for the self to communicate with the self, but that information gleaned from unconventional information (i.e. ESP) could find its way to a person's understanding through dreams. You might have a momentary bad feeling when all seems well, but through a dream realize that something bad is happening so far away that you could not have perceived it through the regular sensory channels.

However, I don't believe that this particular dream -- or last night's other dream where my aunts were secretly hosting a family event that would effectively sabotage another aunt's annual family gathering unbeknownst to her -- has any sort of implication beyond the idle musings and overfed turmoil of my anxious and creative brain. Though maybe I will email my aunts, just to make sure.

Decisions, decisions (or: Yes, Virginia, you CAN press the pause button on life)

Today, I had an episode of panicky overwhelmed-ness when I read an email sent to me by the agency I tutor for, asking if I could take on another student for September.

What, another student!? I thought. I've already got three and I've only met one of them, and I'm not even sure I have the energy for that, let alone the other two, not even considering a third. Eight to ten hours a week? What was I thinking! But how can I say no? I gave her a perfectly reasonable number of hours, and if I say no I'll look like a spaz. Not only that, but this student needs exactly my skill set, and if I say no, how will he get the help he needs!? I have to say yes, but oh my god how will I handle it and still have serenity? Why won't the world stop attacking my serenity?!!!

This sort of thought pattern is distressingly common for me. Any time something new comes along, I panic a little (or a lot), particularly if it involves added or changed responsibilities for me.

I voiced my thought spiral aloud to Nonsense. After a few minutes of attempting to suggest reasonable solutions ("You could just say no;" "If you're overwhelmed just looking at it, it's probably too much for the moment") which I countered with the reasonable arguments ("But I did say I could do a certain number of hours";"But I'll always have a moment of panic at the thought of new responsibility"), and a moment of baffled silence in which he marvelled at my ability to turn interested queries into life-threatening full frontal assaults, he said: "But you don't have to decide right now."

Over the past four years of my life, the one plan for continued serenity and safe boundaries that has been suggested for me by my therapist, my former life coach and myself, and that actually worked for me may times, is simply this: do not make a decision right away.

Let me repeat that, it's important. DO NOT MAKE A DECISION RIGHT AWAY.

Once I'm over my habitual moment of panic, you see, I am in fact able to think rationally about whether I want to say yes or no, which response makes more sense, and how to effectively yet politely respond with whichever decision I've come to. But when I think I'm being backed into a corner, oddly enough, I'll promise all sorts of silly things I later realize I should under no circumstance have pledged. Maybe it's bravado?

I need to keep reminding myself that I don't have to say yes (or even no) right away, and that I need, no, I am obliged, to take that moment of away time to make decisions that actually reflect my position on things.

Defining D (or: The Life of the Spirited Adult)

Today my therapist used the word "spirited" in reference to some of the personal traits I was describing to her.

We were talking about how I feel the impact of small events, particularly small disappointments, very strongly, and how I have a really tough time emotionally, when it comes to handling transitions smoothly and positively. I had said that, like any person who's done a few undergrad psych courses, I sometimes look at the characteristics they mention of certain disorders and see myself. A major recognizable trait that can help diagnose Asperger's Syndrome, for example, is difficulty handling transitions. I have difficulty handling transitions, so it makes me wonder...

But no, my therapist said. The difference is that for me, I have difficulty handling transitions, but, you know, I do handle them, if poorly. Whereas a person with autism or Asperger's, on encountering an unexpected transitional moment, might instead, to use the vulgar term, lose their shit.

So, "spirited".

Apparently it's a term mostly used to refer to children when they have one or more specific character traits, such as liveliness, sensitivity, persistence, in intensity higher than most children. These traits may tend to make their own childhoods and the task of parenting and teaching them more challenging than usual.

I thought it an interesting and highly specific use of a word that usually has a fairly obvious, everyday connotation. Previously, hearing somebody use the term "spirited child" I would have directly equated this to hyperactivity or defiance, and not thought any other interpretation possible. Since I'm by no means a hyper or defiant person, I decided to look up this particular usage in order to better understand its meaning. What I found was pretty interesting to me, both personally and as a teacher of young kids.

First of all, I get the sense that the term is not incredibly well-known. Although Yahoo.ca produced some 13 million results for "spirited children", Google.ca produced less than 60,000 (I suspect some of the difference may include results from the same website, which Google may have counted as the same and Yahoo as different results, but not sure). Furthermore, I've never heard the word used this way, and I work with children on a daily basis. Nonetheless, taken by itself, the term "spirited" to refer to people who tend to do things differently from the mainstream of society, and as a result may have trouble conforming, seems like a much nicer and more positive way of identifying those characteristics than "difficult" or even the more politically correct "high-needs". It may be less specific, but it's certainly more encouraging. 

My research wasn't exhaustive, but in the pages I did look at, the most helpful description I found of what a "spirited child" is was on the "canadianparents.com" forum, where they have a subforum specifically called "Spirited Children". One user posts both a description, and a list of character traits as follows (I've edited for ease of reading), though so far I have not figured out her source: 

Description

All children possess the characteristics of being intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change, but a spirited child experiences one or more of these characteristics more than another child. There is more depth, and range to a spirited child's characteristics and emotions.

Characteristics

Here is a quick rundown of the characteristics of a spirited child, and the bonus characteristics.
Remember that your spirited child may or may not possess all these characteristics, but they will experience one or more of them more than others.

Intensity:

• An intense child is loud, dramatic; they don't cry, they shriek. They are noisy at play, laughing, and love to sing at the top of their lungs.
• They can also be the quiet intent observant child. They assess the situation and size it up before entering a situation. Their intensity is focused inward.
• No matter where their intensity is focused their temper tantrums are raw and enduring.

Persistence:

• They lock into what is important to them -- ideas, activities or tasks. They are goal oriented and don't give up easily. They love to debate and getting them to change their minds is a great undertaking. They are not afraid to assert themselves.

Sensitivity:

• Quick to respond to noise smells lights, textures, or changes in mood. They are overwhelmed in crowds and are keenly aware. Every sensation and emotion is absorbed by them, including your feelings.
• This is the child who can't stand a tag in their shirt, or being in crowds, or tells you when you are in a bad mood before you realize you're in a bad mood.

Perceptiveness:

• They notice everything! They are often accused of not listening. They are distracted easily by the birds in the window, or a commercial on the television. You send them to put their shoes on, but they get distracted by the toy they found beside their shoe.

Adaptability:

• Uncomfortable with change. They don't like surprises and have a hard time shifting from one activity to another, or from one idea to another. This is the child who gets upset if they were expecting to go to the park but couldn't because it rained.

Here are some of the "bonus" characteristics. Bonus characteristics are not common with all spirited children.

Regularity:

• Impossible to to get them on any schedule. It's hard to figure out when they will sleep or be hungry.

Energy:

• Not all spirited children are energetic; those who are take things apart then put them back together again. They are jumping crawling and climbing. They are on the go until they fall asleep. They may seem wild, but their energy usually has a purpose.

First Reaction:

• Quick withdrawal from anything new. Unfamiliar ideas, places, people or situations may result in a vehement no. They need time to warm up before they are ready to participate or talk to someone new.

Mood:

• They are analytical, pick apart experiences, find flaws, and make suggestions for change. Smiles are rare, and their world is a serious place for spirited children.

I see myself in a lot of these characteristics, I'm not a high-energy person, but most of the other traits apply to me to a fairly high degree. I think if I had to be specific, my most notable charcteristics would be sensitivity, perceptiveness, low adaptability, and standoffish first reactions.

Interestingly, I found it tough to find information on how to deal with these traits of spiritedness positively as an adult, in circumstances where they become maladaptive. However, that's what therapy's for, I suppose. And just having a word for myself that encompasses both my normalness and my abnormalness, and doesn't make me feel crazy for feeling generally uneasy in the world though I constantly seek peace, and though everyone else seems to think I'm fiiiiiine, lets me breathe easier. Right now I'm working on being proactive and turning uncomfortable experiences into learning for the future (i.e. what would I do differently next time?), as well as acknowledging and accepting my difficulty with transitions and dealing with that in a way that will let me move on from the emotional upset more quickly (i.e. yep, it rained and we were stuck indoors, but I couldn't have prevented it, and hopefully getting some exercise now will make me feel better.).