You need to hear

I've seen a lot of posts and responses this past few months about people panic-blaming and defending their usage of things like personal pronouns and pronoun-verb agreement, and person- versus identity-first language, and individual vs group identifier preferences, etc. 

I can't help but feel that a lot of us are trying really hard to understand how to do it all right, and in so doing are completely missing the point. 

In trying to understand how to navigate these cultural spaces as an ally, your only job inside that space is this: 

Stop. 

Yes, stop. Relax for a second. Now walk it back a couple dozen steps, 'til you take yourself all the way out of the equation, because it's not about you, and in most cases your reply actually isn't necessary. 

Okay but, what about when your classmate was offended when you referred to them as "an autistic person" instead of "a person with autism"? Your proudly neurodivergent professor who's studied the intersections of neurotype, ability and politics for decades assured your class that identifier-first language was preferred! Is it or isn't it?

Yup! It sounds like you've wandered into a grey area -- congratulations. 😃  It's complex, and valid, and uncomfortable. And you don't need to tell either of your neuro-atypical acquaintances you discovered it, because they already live there. It's okay, you can sit down. Have a look around, and explore the squishy unease for a while, and then go share what you've learned with your neurotypical friends on the outside, who may not have been where you landed. 

I may sound flippant, but I'm serious when I say the idea that your reply isn't needed can come as a big surprise. It did to me. But consider your purpose in listening to these particular voices. And more importantly, consider their purpose in communicating the way they do.

The point of these spaces is to amplify voices that otherwise often go unheard. Sure, all we social justice warriors want to act -- to right all the wrongs, and do it properly. But if the problem is that voices have been silenced and people aren't being served, then the solution isn't to figure out how to properly speak for them. The solution is to listen when they speak. 

If your favourite genderqueer blogger posts a rant about how they don't like being called "they", just when you spent weeks practising to correctly use your coworkers pronouns, you might feel defensive, irritated, and turned around. It's okay to feel that way, you're safe, and your feelings are valid.  But they aren't the point. 

lt isn't about whether you're right to remember X and wrong to use Y and damned if you do or don't say Z. None of those things are the issue, because all of those things are about you, and this is about someone else. 

That's the point. You have your space, your turn. The entire conversation so far has been predicated upon it. But this, at last, is their turn, and they are telling you what you need to hear. Just... stop. And listen. And... that's it. 

Warmest Regards, Admin

Dear Teacher,

Here is a five-year-old child. We will add him to your volatile class of 20 five and six year olds. He tends to run away from adults. Please keep him safe and return him to his parents at the end of the day. 

To ensure success, we are placing a second adult in your classroom to support him for an hour in the afternoon every day 5. Please ensure he confines his escapades to this schedule. Should you feel your skills are inadequate to manage with this level of support, requests for increased aid, accompanied by the requisite 3 weeks' to 6 months' worth of documentation, lunch-time meetings and after school phone calls, will be duly considered once each of your shortcomings have been queried and found not at fault. 

If your new student should escape your watch during the mornings or on days 1-4, we encourage you to phone your grade team member or another of your colleagues for relief. As you may know, there is strength in numbers. If all colleagues are found to be unavailable, please ensure you yourself track down the child and tell him to return to class in such a way as to make him think it was his idea, and continue teaching and caring for your other students simultaneously. Remember that leaving your students unsupervised is a breach of your supervisory duties. If you find yourself in breach of duty, contact the office. At this point, if available, we will send a staff member to locate the child, and assign another to speak with you regarding your breach of duty and determine which classroom management modules you should be required to rewatch.

Please ensure you employ enough developmental psychology and plan enough fun activities and make available enough new and exciting resources and be amicable and attentive enough to make your new student WANT to stay in your classroom, because as you know, you may not use touch, restraint, intimidation, or limiting the timing of washroom visits to ensure he stays under your supervision. Also, please keep doors and windows open to allow air and other particles to circulate in a free and unconstrained manner.

We remind you that as per your job description, you continue to be required to ensure all of your students are productively engaged with the prescribed curriculum during instructional hours, to build a relationship with each child, to communicate constantly with each family, to ensure each child spends time reading with you individually and in small groups, to respond to each child's physical and emotional needs, to provide order and structure and boundaries, to build flexibility and fun and adaptability, and to model organization and self-regulation and social skills. Every child has different needs and you are expected to supply all of them to all your students at all times. 

Know that we APPRECIATE you and insist that you add self-care to your after-school to-do list so that you can continue to start each new day at school fresh and unjaded by the events of yesterday. We understand that this will be a challenge, and we are sure you're grateful for the chance to demonstrate your skills. We expect only the best from you -- as you know, maintaining high expectations is one of the best ways to lead our followers to success! 

Warmest Regards!

Short circuit

What it feels like inside my brain right now: 

Nails on a chalkboard

It doesn't feel this way all the time, but it feels like it feels this way all the time. No wonder there seems to be just the one alternative: 

Vacancy

I can't figure out how to reconnect. 

Update (after a short stint of mindful bodily sensation while finally forcing myself to get ready for bed): 

I'm feeling lonely and trapped in my head. I miss myself, my fun, my joy, my looking forward to things. It keeps being taken away when I can't be with the people I want to connect with, or I don't feel connected with them. What I need to do to get out of the short circuit in here is to be who I need in my life. 

I was looking forward to a date with dessert and games for my birthday. My date can't join me now, but I don't have to abandon myself because someone else won't be there. I love puzzle games, I love dessert. This is something I can do.

I was frustrated about feeling like I couldn't unburden with my therapist, and not all of my FB crowd would understand, and I didn't want all this stuff coming between me and my loved ones. But nobody understands me like me. I can tell myself by writing it out. It's why I have this blog and my journal. 

I was annoyed at the thought of knowing mindfulness was probably one of the other best ways for me to rewire, because I loathed the idea of doing meditations and exercises that didn't feel real. But 10 seconds of feeling my feet while I stood in the bathroom, and another 10 of intentionally paying attention while running a warm washcloth over my face certainly dimmed the dimmer-bulb sound in my brain to the point where I could think of other things than the pain of thinking again. 

Being in my body, feeling heat and pressure and air movement on my feet and my face and my hands, getting my thoughts out of my head into some form of account, and being here for myself in the ways in want someone to be there for me. These are how I will try to rewire. 

Motivation crumble

The painful thing of it is, when energy is already low, and motivation only comes in short, unpredictable bursts that can crumble under the light brush of frustration, you need to be ready to go when inspiration strikes.  

When you get an idea for something small and simple that could help you make real progress and you actually manage to immediately launch into action, well, discovering that your computer suddenly won't connect to the internet until after you complete a Windows Update is like cold water on the fading embers of your inner fire. 

I'm grateful that many tech companies are willing to handle necessary updates without too much intercession for me. But when I need to send a message, make a call, look up a term, find contact information, or take a note, later isn't good enough. Are all the updates absolutely necessary right when I'm ready to use my device? I really would like for the companies to find a way for their products to be ready when they're needed, every time. This would go a long way to making them as accessible for those who need the support to manage their regular day-to-day as it is for those who use the support to get ahead of the pack.

Methods in madness

Documenting some things that I think work well for me, including the act of documenting itself, and the data it brings. I need to be careful with documenting because it's one of the trickier culprits that contribute to overwhelm for me -- but its lack is one of the reasons I frequently find myself unable to figure out what's empirical data and what's assumption or confirmation bias. Without trying too hard to change anything else, I want to try and document what I already do, and I'm starting with my self care as the most important thing to document. I also have a documentation space for home care and maintenance tasks, but if both get to be too much, I have them separate so I can narrow it down to one. 

My goal is to understand my self-care patterns -- how often I tend to be able to do which kinds of self care, what other factors influence it, and eventually, which elements of routine and ritual will help me solidify some of the things that help me feel my best and function well.